Wednesday, 8 June 2011


I have lived in this house for ten years and one month. It is a semi-detached house on the nicest street in the shittiest part of town. Initially I signed a six month contract with the full intent to leave within that time scale. Evidently I did not.

About seven years ago I started to notice a young girl, five years old I would estimate although it was hard to estimate due to the stature of said sproglet, loitering about my driveway. This girl was rather rotund to say the least and was jamming something sugary into her gob. 

This girl would lurk most days and one day as I walked to the shop she asked if I could walk her across the road so's not to get squashed, I obliged. I did not realise that I would then have to wait 20 minutes for her to load the entire sweet counter into a bin bag and asked if someone else could walk her back as I had to get back as one of my cats was ill after being hit by a car. Upon hearing this she hot footed it after me then pleading to come into my house to look at my cats. As she said this a huge "Whoooosh!", (memory flash back), me sat in assembly at school, roughly aged seven, being lectured by a dauntingly tall bobby telling us that if a stranger offers to show us 'puppies' or 'kittens', or anything mildly cute and alluring, the only out come of this was a slow rapey death. Good old 80's style of teaching kids, utterly terrify us! Bloody worked though.

I explained this to the buoyant infact in the simplist of terms, i.e "You shouldn't ask strangers if you can go in their house as your parents wont know where you are and you might not be safe". She stared at me for what seemed like several minutes with the same vacant smile on her chubby cheeks, the only movement was of her sausage fingers moving from lips to bin bag at sporadic intervals and her right eye slowly drifting towards the house. At this point I deduced that she was not the sharpest tool and promptly shoo'd her along the way.

As she tottered off I couldn't help but notice the glaring similarities betwixt this girl and the Thurman Merman character from 'Bad Santa', (brilliant film, watch it! But not with Granny). For those of you unfamiliar, here he be:

For some time I have been telling friends of her antics, using the name, Thurman Merman, and one suggested I started to blog about it. So here it starts. I shall be up loading tales, photos, quotes, drawings and hopefully some form of video without it being illegal, (my friends will play the part of her reenacting something triumphant)

To save my self from going insane and hopefully keep people gripped with what she'll do next. 

*No chubby children will be hurt during the writing of this blog. Well, not by my hand, I can't be held responsible if she falls down the stairs or gets attacked by a budgie or something*

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